Shadow Work and an Epitaph to Toxic Relationships
J**,
I said you don’t know me and I believe this to be a true statement. I also believe that out of a respect for our past and history that you get a full and measured explanation from my point of view to fully understand my actions moving forward.
My father wasn’t the greatest. He was emotionally distant at best and there were moments, much like we had, but he generally didn’t spend time with us, was a dick if he did, and then during the divorce got really weird. That’s when he got very preachy about being the patriarchal leader of the family and that the father was commanding that we submit to him and that the father was able tell him the intentions of our hearts. As I am sure you know this is also around the time he cut my mom off from the money and she had to work for Christmas gifts. That’s when he started making threats against my mom and when I started stepping in between them. That’s when he truly hit me when I stood my ground. For me, when I reflect on that moment , every time my father’s hand struck my face, I snapped my eyes back and locked in again. 14-15 times I watched him get tired. I chuckle now because he was shouting something like ‘stand down’ like I was some beast and yet for me I persevered and my abuser got tired and gave up trying to subdue me. I didn’t even have to raise a hand.
I hate my father. Nothing about the man is redeemable at this point. In a sick level of validation, he started doing the same thing to his second wife and her kids. She divorced him. She reached out to me and we have a relationship. She is a wonderful woman and I wish I had taken the opportunity to meet her in person. She and I have taken similar career paths in social work.
I looked to you as a father fill-in and to your credit you wanted to. I got excited every single time we came out here growing up. You were my idol. We had a connection and a bond and a trust. Something I had with no other man. Something that I placed such a high value on. I probably would have killed for you had you asked. Honestly we had great times.
That doesn’t excuse you hitting me in the arm and head so often. You actually laid hands on me more than my father did. It was ok. I came from a piece of shit like him I knew I deserved it. You made sure to tell me so. I cannot even begin to fathom how many times you’ve called me a ‘dumbass’. I can tell you how long it took me to not believe that about myself.
But its ok. ‘J** is always right. J** only wants me to do right I just have to do it better so he won’t hit me. I’ll win his approval.’ This is my internal monologue. You would get mad at me sometimes for sitting in silence because I was tired of getting hit for stuff so I would not say anything. You would still hit me so that was not a successful strategy, so, mimicry is what I relied on. What would J** say – say that. Survive. Earn respect. Earn love. Earn it.
I survive. I maintain a paternal figure.
There was a time that I was mad at my mom as she encouraged our relationship. However, as I have processed things over time, I realized that was unfair of me. I never said anything to anyone because I wanted to make sure I preserved this warped paternity that I had with you. After all it wasn’t that bad. J** and Michael - thick as thieves.
Then I moved here. I thought I was doing you this solid by giving you my money. Ironically, during covid, I spent many nights with a joint under the stars or apple tree in deep reflection and befriending a family of deer.
As a side quest, I got the mom to change her behavior in chasing her fawns out away from the tree when I would go out, by leaving apples and bananas along the higher grass. I think she had a boy and girl, the girl was a wild one and the mom would run up and do this like quiet stomp posture at me and then urge the baby until it ran back into the high grass and bush. Once I noticed that she wasn’t fleeing outright but just to that tree right before the hill dips down, I got the idea to bait.
The end result was many nights the three of them grazing around the yard behind me as I sat with my back against the apple tree writing or listening to music. It was perfect honestly in that this space allowed me to reflect deeply on great many things.
It was many of these thinking nights that I realized how twisted up I was about our relationship and identifying what I wanted out of my life.
You having kids kind of also made me realize that whatever I experienced as a father figure between you and my dad was not healthy. Not for me. I realized I avoided the connection in how much unlearning I did about not thinking I was stupid and how that was something that you said to me often. I was shielding you and you didn’t even know it.
I realized that it was hard to see where you were actually proud of me or if you even respected me. To be honest with you and myself, I don’t know if I would believe you if you told me now. I realized the things that I valued, you seemed to always trash and demean unless it aligned with you. I don’t really bring up anything that I read or consume when I can or will keep safe bets in reserve if forced to divulge.
I realized that I had to spend so much time modifying my behavior and even my thoughts just in case I slipped up. I realized that if I am true to who I am that I shouldn’t have to. This was one of the foundational realizations that led to me pursuing getting so much of my poetry out on Instagram too.
This is also when I started really putting distance between us. It was around this time that a week prior to rent coming due, I would get chest pains from anxiety. I would be worried the bank teller would fuck up or delay the transfer and there would be hell to pay. I started to feel trapped. Then, on one random ass day I went to get a package and we were talking and you casually floated evicting me. I asked you a logistical question about what the hell Nicole and I were supposed to do with our stuff, with us. You said you hadn’t thought about that. I was floored. I called Nicole immediately after getting off the phone with you. I cried and then got so mad I wanted to run you over. We started seriously house hunting that weekend. I was done. I was nothing to you. I was an after thought. I was some weird controllable piece to you and I was fully done with our relationship. Despite the self righteous preaching of family over all, I was to be pushed aside when no longer convenient.
As soon as we signed the papers and had keys we moved. I got out of there as soon as I could. My hope was to just slide out of the relationship. You had kids now. You’re distracted I can disappear. But you’re confrontational so I’ve had to pick fights and flip the table and cut you off. Hoping to spare you the ugly truths. Things, honestly, I wasn’t ready to admit to myself. After all, I was turning my back on family.
During a random visit to your home, there was a night that you were being particularly nasty to me. I don’t remember about what. I do remember though, that when you walked away, your wife asked me “why do you come here.” In the moment I laughed it off. But I reflect on that moment quite a bit. It is still a valid question. It took some years, but I have answers now, many of which populate this letter.
I place value in being able to own your mistakes. I was an outright prick to my brother when he left for the air force. I don’t even remember everything that I said to him in anger and in pain. However, when I realized I had made these mistakes, I named the wrong behaviors and clearly apologized to him promised to do better going forward and never miss an opportunity to tell him that I love him and our relationship is mending.
I value stances against bullies. Something I thought you did until I realized in the current political climate that you are siding with bullies. I do find this ironic considering the story you tell about your experiences growing up. You were bullied by peers and institutions and fought back. I even presented you an example of a fellow human doing just that who lost that fight in suicide and you sprung the trap. Instead of seeing the humanity in it and connecting with the sad tale of a dead child, you used it as a cudgel to berate me and tell me that I’m wrong and foolish and refusing to listen to others etc. Your sole goal was to put me down, demonstrate me as stupid and inferior to you. Admittedly, I lied about the cause of death, but I wanted you to seek out the story instead of dismissing it. Unfortunately, you sided with bullies.
I sat and listened to you spout ideologies also held by my father. This weird and twisted ‘men are creators’ nonsense. Ironically, you have achieved a subservience in your marriage that my father tried to impose on my mother – one you encouraged me to fight back against. Yours seems absent of the religious leanings but still full of the narcissistic self-importance.
You told me not to worry about the shift in political landscape because I am a white male landowner. Unfortunately, I value standing up for others. You’re quoted as saying ‘an injury to one is an injury to us all’ and that is something I agree with and I think that applies to not only the LGBT community but also the immigrant community. Unfortunately, another example where I think you fail to adhere to your own philosophy. One I thought we shared.
You told me once that it is a bad idea to work with my wife, however, I value her as an equal and value the life that I am building with Nicole. We study plants together. She’s got aspirations to start a business in dog training and boarding. I have all kinds of side projects myself. We take a lot of adventures and she’s been a huge part in getting my poetry out there too. One of the more exciting ventures has been the writing council her and I started with a couple of our writing friends. If I can get people across the world to tune in for my poetry, I can get people to tune in for a book.
However, I feel you are so hell-bent on proving that you are right and I am wrong that you needle in on something and drill down on it until I change course to what you see as the correct way; whether it’s my opinion, my values or my choices. I find myself not only like that teen boy sitting in your jeep getting slapped in the back of the head until my ears are ringing but I find myself making space for rage. It makes me want to physically attack you to stop the backslide. This is where I realize that our dynamic is toxic and either I catch a charge or I make a change. I will not forsake my future for you, so I choose to make a change.
I am constantly working on myself, especially mentally. I realize that I give too much away in my relationships and so I have been working on building boundaries and creating space. No one is my controller. No one lays a hand on me.
I said to you that family is not entitled to me. Just because we have a blood relation does not mean that I have to see you or you have access to me. My father was like this. He even cried some tears outside a courthouse thinking he couldn’t have access to non-existent grandchildren. It’s creepy. My paternal grandparents come out of the woodwork every now and then with that same notion too. I do not spend time with people that have hurt me. I have come to respect myself that much that I will not debase myself in this way.
I don’t know if I have anything else to say. I survive. I don’t even have to raise a hand. Good luck to you.
- Michael
The letter speaks for itself. Here are some poetry accoutrements. These are raw and angry.
Canines When I look at you, All I see is a scared man, Afraid to make a move, Unless it's by your decree. Your loyalties are pre-approved So long as you're not required To bend a knee. Manipulating pawns with venom, Your testament - solipsistic creed, You must be taught That alone the king is weak. Absolute power corrupts, absolutely - Such irony 'an injury to one is an injury to all' Unless it's your hand, your mouth Runnin' free. You tried to condition me, To fear hands raised - Well, then it's ok to bare teeth Bite the hand that feeds. Raise a hand again - The hounds will prowl With war machines. ~~ Bastard You've never fought for anything- Except yourself Trying to hide your insecurities Worn like brass knuckles. Beat me down, Call me dumb, Whatever helps you de-stress - Just like my dad, You both show love with your hands. None of my causes are just. None of my thoughts are valid. None of my fears have merit. None of my achievements worth praise. Beat me down, Call me dumb, If you cant control me - I'm wrong. If I don't do it just like you - It's my fault. How dare I be my own man, How dare I not agree! I'm irrational, I'm misguided Maybe punch my arms until they're numb Smack my head until my ears ring. Maybe I'll get it then. Beat me down, Call me dumb, Whatever helps you love me I'd rather be a bastard Than suffer one more reminder Of my shortcomings. ~~ Gravestone Eulogy You helped me through some tough times Showed me how to stand tall in rough seas. Folding plans just to make time. Going the distance never really bugged me. Chasing something I never had Looking for a dad in the worst ways. Loyalty paid in blood - I would burn the world if it brought praise. I've watched a few suns rise Spent time in some hideaways. Kicking rocks down game trails Eyes open as I plunge into celestae. Searching for truth, I tend to stay off one-way streets. It took me looking through a noose to see - You were never looking for me. I will not put my 'x' on anything You won't ever find me at the moot Trying to parlay. Im forging my own paths And I dare the gods to block my way. ~~ Mad Rabbit Sweet sanguine revelry... I can taste the venom in my blood. I've been racing dawn Getting sick and tired of biting tongues. Incensed - Footsteps fall in to the rhythm of battle drums. penitence? Not even on the life of your first-born son. I blaspheme - My gods! There's no in between, My world keeps spinning. All this time on my knees Praise be, you never even measured up To my inseams. In your make believe; The tales you tell the spiders Watching in the eaves; You cast shadows on the walls Hoping the framed perspective Lends credit to your attempts At pulling the puppet strings. you seem to miss the message So I hope this finds you well. I'm busy with conquest - Empires don't build themselves. Make like a hare through brambles, Mad Rabbit in the hills, Take shelter as my regiments pass While they shake ground With their mortar shells.
🖤🤎🤍HUGS🤍🤎🖤